The Reason of Being Late :
Teacher: Johnny, why are you late for school every morning?
Johnny: Every time I come to the corner, a guidepost says, 'School -- Go Slow'.
I got this in an e-mail the other day-hope you enjoy!
Due to a power outage only one paramedic responded to a call about a woman giving birth. He asked little Heidi to hold the flashlight for him, and had her mother push. Finally he grabbed little Conner and spanked him on the butt.
He asked little Heidi, who was 3 at the time, what she thought of the experience and she said "he shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place-smack his butt again"!!! KAren
Morris went to see his Dr. for his checkup, Morris was 84 years old.
The next week the Dr.saw Morris with a beautiful, young woman on his arm. A few days later he spoke with Morris and said, "you are really doing great Morris".
Morris said that he was just following his orders "Get a Hot mamma and be cheerful" The Dr. said," I didn't say that- I said you have a heart murmer, be carefull"!! Karen
Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2007 7:26 pm Post subject: Money Money Money
Trying to disprove the saying "You can't take it with you," a stingy old lawyer, diagnosed with a terminal illness, finally figured out how to take at least some of his fortune with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then told her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. When he passed away, he planned to reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, his wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that old fool!" she exclaimed. "I knew I should have put the money in the basement."
Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2007 7:31 pm Post subject: Lawyer's Joke
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The
lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
A teacher asks Little Johnny to come up to the blackboard and draw something important. And Little Johnny put a tiny white dot on the board.
The teacher asked him "Whats that Johnny?"
"It's a period Miss."
"Well, whys it important?"
"I don't know Miss, but when my sister said she was missing one, daddy had a heart attack, mummy fainted and the boy next door shot himself." _________________ I have a new personal crusade. I'm going to hunt down the people who have strong opinions on subjects they don't understand. Then I'll bop them with this cardboard tube.- Dogbert
I ain't a legal expert, take what I say with a grain of salt.
A woman feels lonely when she's at home with the baby, and her hubby asleep after nightshift, and the girls at school, so she goes to the pet store and asks for a parrot.
"We do have a parrot ma'am, but he picked up some vulgar language with his last owner." says the pet store owner.
"Oh that doesn't matter, my daughters have heard it all, I've learned most of my swearing from those two."
So she buys the parrot and takes it home, upon being put in his new cage, the parrot says "Brawk! New house, new madam! Hello madam!"
"Hello parrot" says the lady.
And just then, the girls come home from school and the parrot pipes up "Brawk! New house, new madam, new girls! Hello girls!"
"Hello parrot!" says the two girls.
And the man of the house, woken up by the parrots brawking, comes downstairs unshaven, unbrushed and in his dressing gown and the parrot says...
"Brawk! New house, new madam, new girls, same customers! Hello Jack!" _________________ I have a new personal crusade. I'm going to hunt down the people who have strong opinions on subjects they don't understand. Then I'll bop them with this cardboard tube.- Dogbert
I ain't a legal expert, take what I say with a grain of salt.
From the Churchdown Parish Magazine:
'Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church labeled "For The Sick", is for monetary donations only.'
From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand:
'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.'
From The Times:
'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common these days."
From The Gloucester Citizen:
'A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialing an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."
From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes":
"... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels."
From The Derby Abbey Community News:
"We apologize for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."
I'll add some more if I find them. _________________ I have a new personal crusade. I'm going to hunt down the people who have strong opinions on subjects they don't understand. Then I'll bop them with this cardboard tube.- Dogbert
I ain't a legal expert, take what I say with a grain of salt.
Lol, you guys are hilarious, I love the lighter side of the forums, I think we need a break sometimes from all the headaches in life, thanks for posting me a laugh. Look forward to more.
