Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.

Message Author
ampm-bookmark
delicious-small Add to delicious
yahoomyweb-small Add to YahooMyWeb
blinklist-small Add to BlinkList
PostPosted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 11:38 pm   Post subject:   

Three idiots decide to go hunting. The first one says he's going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two hunters ask how he did it. He says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck."



So the second hunter says that he's going to get a doe. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe."



So the third hunter says, "I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see."



So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!"

goodnatured
Senior member
Leave a quick message



Joined: 04 Nov 2007
Posts: 1222


1.14 Dollars($)

PostPosted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 11:39 pm   Post subject:   

A woman three months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.



"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor. "Luckily, your brother named them for you."



"Oh shit, not by brother! He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?"



"Denise," the doctor replies.



Thinking that isn't so bad, she asks, "And what did he call the boy?"



The doctor answers, "Denephew."

goodnatured
Senior member
Leave a quick message



Joined: 04 Nov 2007
Posts: 1222


1.14 Dollars($)

PostPosted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 11:40 pm   Post subject:   

A chemist, a biologist, and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting for the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first.



"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in.



"No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch, and nothing happened.



Under state law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner has to be released, so the chemist was released.



Then the biologist was brought forward.



"Do you have anything you want to say?"



"No, just get on with it."



The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.



Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.



"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner.



"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."

goodnatured
Senior member
Leave a quick message



Joined: 04 Nov 2007
Posts: 1222


1.14 Dollars($)

PostPosted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 11:43 pm   Post subject:   

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by stupidity, here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods:



On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.



On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)



On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.



On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just a suggestion.)



On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down.



On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.



On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.



On Boot's children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."



On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.



On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)



On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)



On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."



On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."



On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.)



On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

goodnatured
Senior member
Leave a quick message



Joined: 04 Nov 2007
Posts: 1222


1.14 Dollars($)

PostPosted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 11:48 pm   Post subject:   

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind, and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best to her.



Son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion, thinking this would surely be the best that any of them could offer her.



Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included, thinking this would surely win her approval.



Son #3 had to do something even better, so he bought her a parrot that he had been training for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could ask the parrot any verse in the Bible, and he could quote it word for word. What a gift that would be.



Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous, but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's too large to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."

Then she confronted her second son with, "Son, the car is beautiful. It has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and really don't like the chauffeur, so please return the car."



Next, she went to Son #3 and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for your most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious."

goodnatured
Senior member
Leave a quick message



Joined: 04 Nov 2007
Posts: 1222


1.14 Dollars($)

PostPosted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 11:52 pm   Post subject:   

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons.



After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.



As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups.



He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, "Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home."

goodnatured
Senior member
Leave a quick message



Joined: 04 Nov 2007
Posts: 1222


1.14 Dollars($)

PostPosted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 11:53 pm   Post subject:   

There was a man who wanted to find the perfect gift for his wife. He went to the store and asked the salesclerk and asked him what he should get his wife. The salesclerk brought out a parrot. The salesclerk said, this is no ordinary parrot, if you light a match under it's right foot, it plays Silent Night, if you light a match under it's left foot, it plays Santa Claus is Coming to Town. The salesclerk made sure to tell him that the name of the parrot is Chet.



The man thought it would be great, so he took it home. He let his wife open it early, since it was a living thing. He told her what great songs it played. They wondered what it would play if they lit a match under it's crotch. So, they did. The parrot sang "Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire."

goodnatured
Senior member
Leave a quick message



Joined: 04 Nov 2007
Posts: 1222


1.14 Dollars($)

PostPosted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 11:55 pm   Post subject:   

Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men?



They would have asked directions,



arrived on time,



helped deliver the baby,



cleaned the stable,



made a casserole, and,



brought practical gifts.

goodnatured
Senior member
Leave a quick message



Joined: 04 Nov 2007
Posts: 1222


1.14 Dollars($)

PostPosted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 11:56 pm   Post subject:   

One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.



Then when he went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.



Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.



When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.



Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you, Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"



Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree

goodnatured
Senior member
Leave a quick message



Joined: 04 Nov 2007
Posts: 1222


1.14 Dollars($)

PostPosted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 11:57 pm   Post subject:   

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.



She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."



"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."



She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."



The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"



The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."



He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"



"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."



The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

goodnatured
Senior member
Leave a quick message



Joined: 04 Nov 2007
Posts: 1222


1.14 Dollars($)

Quick Reply
Your Name
Subject
Message body
All times are GMT
 Previous  1, 2
Page 2 of 2


Get a Quote
Ask Community Experts

flash plugin

Quick Links

Must See

Community

Hot topics in forums

Latest in blogs

    Connection Error: Connection refused