My 27 year old has a revoked liscense for a DWI conviction

Posted: Wed Oct 22, 2008 04:18 pm Post Subject:

Many years ago I worked with a new adjuster who was a parole officer. She confirmed what I had read (and my numbers might be off a little), that a person's first DUI costs them about $3000. It goes up from there. That includes all the fines, reinstatement's, etc. All of those things really add up. These days the courts are really cracking down on repeat DUI offenders. Unfortunately they cannot prevent someone from driving a vehicle, they can only take away the person's license and then throw them in jail for awhile each time after that.

With today's laws it's easy for anyone to get a DUI. But I'd venture to say anyone with repeat offenses has a drinking problem and 99.99999% of the time, the only way to correct this is for those people to stop drinking. There is no way to make someone do this... at some point they need to _want_ to stop. You can only give them every opportunity to stop but ultimately if they are not commited to it in their own mind, it won't work.

Let me just add one thing to that (I'm getting off topic a little), I've found that most people who have a drinking problem really don't understand that drinking all the time is not normal. They don't see it as a problem in this sense as the rest of us see it.

Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 12:17 am Post Subject:

Bless your heart T-scope. You just hit home her with me. This weekend my brother just drank himself and drugged himself to death. We have tried everything to get through to him..DUI's and jail doesn't even seem to do it. Your right they have to want to stop. Dear sister called his parole officer hoping to get something done and today ran him to an in treatment facility. No, after several attempts at this and ripping the family up emotionally I am not getting my hopes up.
Twice he has been with in minutes of death but his eyes only get opened up for a short period of time before he closes them again.
I just thank God they took his license away and he doesn't attempt to drive. He's a danger to himself and other innocent people on the road.

Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 01:26 am Post Subject:

You said, "to death" and I panicked.

I had a friend who was an alcoholic since high school and for about 15 years. Got worse and worse. Sister Backer Act'ed him a couple of times but that did not last long. I guess one of the times he was sober he realized that there was more to life. But I think the _biggest_ thing that got him sober and kept him that way was going to AA meetings once or twice a day. If your brother has not gone, I'd _highly_ recommend you to get him to go. It might be difficult to get him to go the first time but he might become hooked.

Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 09:21 am Post Subject:

Usually I don't do this...but you all don't know exactly who I am and maybe this will help someone Fire in particular...

I'm the oldest of 4, 2 half brothers, one 'full sister'...one brother is ten years younger other was 7 years younger...one my mom and step dad's (good one) other my dad and step mom's...however there has never been any 'halfs' we have all always been very very close...anywaaaaaaaaay...

My brother Bryan was an alcoholic the second he had his first taste at about twelve yrs old...although he was a 'functional' one in that he until about a month prior to his death alway held a reallllllllly good job...I personally took him to rehab every time he went which was I think four or five times...only once did he stay the entire time....For years I thought that I could change him, help him...every family has their 'go to guy' and the one that 'fixes everything' that's been me since I was about ten...anyway, I could feel volumns with all the different drama's the ups the downs, through it all "I" never gave up...finally there came a time when I realized 'I" had no control, and couldn't change him...we had long talks and I loved him very much...we had an understanding that he didn't come around drunk etc...or misbehave with my family..he had a great deal of respect for his older sister...but I took him to rehab every time he showed up or called wanting to go...it was usually to try and get out of trouble of some kind either with his wife or dad, or whatever and he didn't stay, however I never not one time picked him up...in fact he had to walk once about ten miles to get a cab because I had him hummer... :lol:

Thing finally got really bad, he lost or quit his job....and drank non-stop, he had really bad pancreatis (sp) amoung other things, had had a heart attack three months prior...(at 39yrs old)...

Well time to wrap it up...he 'accidently' committed suicide three days after turning 39...he intended to shoot himself...(for pity and maybe a last ditch effort to turn things around) he did not mean to kill himself but in his drunken stupor made really bad choices (amo wise, I could explain all the reasons it was an accidental 'death')...he called me about 30 minutes prior...of course I had no idea in fact he told he he wished he had the guts to shoot himself, but instead was just going to drink himself to death...I ask how long he figured that would take, he thought about six months...there was no anger, I tried to talk to him of course, and told him how much I loved him and that "I" would NEVER give up on him...a hour later he was dead.....I (and the family) were crushed, I've never been to 'that' place that his death took me....I still miss him very much....

My main point is...I do not feel any guilt about his death, because I know I did everything I could do..."I" couldn't save him...but he knew I loved him, and would never give up on him...and always could come to me for any ''positive'' move in that direction....

Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 10:51 am Post Subject:

Lori, iam am literally crying because I know exactly what you went through. I am the go to person and when anything goes wrong all the family calls me and says "do what I can we are done with it". I can not be done with it. He was brought up with a beer bottle as a decoration in our house.Although it is no excuse ...I don't think he remembers everything up until the time my mother left and I took over raising "the boys" but I am sure he remember some.. My mother herself (and father) was an alcoholic and had several times shot/or tried to shoot herself in our presence. There was always alcohol in the picture holidays, birthdays, wednesdays..constantly.
I have taken him to these meetings, rehab, and even got him to go to a phychologist. I know how he feels inside because I lived through this too. It helped for a while but nothing ever lasts.
He had good jobs, cars...you name it...but he always ruins them by drinking (which leads to drugs). I will always be there for him no matter how much it hurts me because I raised him from the time he was little and he has only ever had me to rely on. I can remember being 7 years old and changing his diaper..No one else ever had time for this or him.
I got him placed in in-treatment yesterday. When he gets out he will be given a place to live that is close to AA and help getting a job. He has a job and a place to live but there are bad influences at both so they will be removing him from the situation by doing this. I can not let him live with me...I can not inflict all this on my family or myself..
My brother is a really kind and loving person. Closest to my heart. I just think bad choices, never really having a true mother/father figure, and being brought uo with alcohol really screwed him up. I sometimes think there is an emptiness that he can not fill. So I also got him back into a counselor to work this out.
Will it work? I don't know..just hoping and praying until thats no longer and option.
Thank you and T both for your kind words and talking...I don't feel so alone and discouraged now. Sure has been alot to deal with and adds to all the other juk going on.

Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 11:33 am Post Subject:

He was brought up with a beer bottle as a decoration in our house.Although it is no excuse

I sometimes think there is an emptiness that he can not fill

Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 01:58 pm Post Subject:

I think that is why the show Intervention is good (getting old now), it shows people how it is in real life.

I feel the _only_ thing anyone can do is allow the door to sobriety to be left wide open. We cannot walk through it with the person or even push them through it. That is, we can push but unless _they_ are willing to walk through, they are probably just going to go right back to how they were. Perhaps AA is not for everyone but I know the meetings _really_ helped my friend (the meetings were _the_ reason why he stand sober, I have no doubt). I think the meetings help people stay focused and be reminded that it's normal not to live in the bottle. It's as important to be around people who relapse as it is to be around people who are doing well. It shows them that _every_ one makes mistakes and _shows_ them that mistakes can happen and it's not a black and white world. But also that people can push past those mistakes.

I'm glad to hear Lori say that she does not feel to blame or guilty. It's a healthy frame of mind. My friend would call me on the phone at midnight, drunk, and want to talk. I just could not do it. I'd hang up and wonder if he'd do something stupid and if he did, if I'd blame myself. But I too came to the conclusion that I would not "help" him when he placed himself in that position, I'd only help him move to a better place in his life. He's been sober for about 4 years now and I give him _100%_ of the credit.

I'm kind of hoping that the OP reads some of this information and perhaps, if nothing else, shows that people even in an insurance forum, understand.

Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 11:42 pm Post Subject:

I spent years looking for the 'magic bullet' thinking if "I" could just say or do the 'right' thing then he would 'get it'...but as you said, it has to be their choice, and their decision...all the support in the world won't 'get' them there, it's a great help and comfort once they are there, but until then we can only offer our 'help' when it's moving toward the positive.

Sounds like you have a wonderful friend Todd, and one of the few that made it thru to the other side a live...he's lucky to have you as a friend..

Posted: Sat Oct 25, 2008 10:40 am Post Subject:

I agree with you both about it being their choice. Unforetunately the only reason he is in the treatment facility is because I called his parole officer and they made him go in or go to jail. I know it may sound like I am selfish but I needed a break from wondering if I was "going to get that call". I thought if he was locked up or placed in a facility I could at least get a little break and maybe it would soak in (the treatment) this time.
My hubby won't even have anything to do with him but I really understand why. He was at least partially the reason my son went down the wrong road. He somehow became his "idol" and "uncle Jason" was soo cool. Tough love and seeing the results of Jason actions has really opened my 19 yr. olds eyes. He has gotten away from the drugs and doesn't drink like he had...for that I am glad...
We try so hard to protect our loved ones from these things but sometimes the battle is a long and hard one. Perscription drugs and alcohol had taken over the area where I use to live. The main reason I literally picked up my house and moved. I wanted to start way back in the country and away from all that. I have faith that I can break this chain before it takes my young daughter too.
It is amazing the way alcohol and drugs has taken over so many areas and peoples lives. I am not done fighting and have even been to the state capitol on these issues.
I am also going to start counseling next week to try and sort through all thats been going on in my life. That was a hard decision for me to make but I feel it should be given a try. I have pushed too many things into the closet with out dealing with them and sometimes they get the best of me. If I am not strong then I won't be able to continue helping those I love. I tell you some days I feel 86 instead of 36.
You guys have given me hope when I was beginning to lose it..thank you so much for that and your prayers.

Posted: Sat Oct 25, 2008 11:01 am Post Subject:

I totally get the 'not having to worry for now, he's safe' thing...you know it was so weird that after my brother died, (and still some times)....I still get that anxious feeling, like, 'oh my gosh what is he doing, something bad will be happening soon, it's been too quiet too long'...and you know something else that I'm kind of ashamed of...there is 'some' relief that I don't have 'that' worry anymore...do you know what I mean? not that I wouldn't want him back in a second...but I didn't realize how much i worried nearly my entire life about what he was doing...now that worry is gone...

I hope your counseling helps...it really depends on the counselor, I have a thing about 'phyco babble crap' I think it's good to go over stuff, figure it out, but then be done with it, in that I mean, re hashing and rehashing usually makes things worse...and we can't change yesterday...I guess it's the professional victims that make me crazy...(I KNOW you aren't one)...but the people that are in therapy for ever and continue to use their crappy upbringing as an excuse for all their troubles and their own bad behaviors...I made a conscience decision that my kids would have a great life and would not be exposed to the things I was exposed to....they would say they had the best childhood imaginable and I'm proud of that...but it's hard to change that pattern....I have book you should read that has helped me a lot, it's called, ''Bad childhood Good Life", another is "adult children of alcholics" ....again I wish you the best in your couseling let us know how it's going.....You hang in there, you have the right mindset and heart to get past these things and come out the other side better than ever and a greater help to others..you remind me of myself alittle 13 or so years ago.. :wink: