hey

Posted: Tue Dec 11, 2007 11:45 pm Post Subject:

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

Posted: Tue Dec 11, 2007 11:46 pm Post Subject:

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dos is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. Second Woman : "I know..." First Woman : "How?" Second Woman : "My dog told me."

Posted: Tue Dec 11, 2007 11:48 pm Post Subject:

A man went to a pet shop and bought a talking parrot. He took the parrot home, and tried to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead the parrot just swore at him. After a few hours of trying to teach the bird finally the man said "If you don't stop swearing I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment." The parrot continued, so finally the man put the bird in the freezer. About an hour later the parrot asked the man to please open the door. As the man took the shivering bird out of the freezer it said "I promise to never swear again. Just tell me what that turkey did!"

Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 12:16 am Post Subject:

For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this
one is for you. In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love!
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being
smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger
who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United flight was
cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced
travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He
slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this
flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS. " The agent replied, "I'm sorry
sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks
first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger
was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him
could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the
gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have
your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the
terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO
HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the
gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "screw you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll
have to stand in line for that, too."

Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 12:17 am Post Subject:

For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this
one is for you. In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love!
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being
smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger
who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United flight was
cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced
travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He
slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this
flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS. " The agent replied, "I'm sorry
sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks
first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger
was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him
could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the
gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have
your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the
terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO
HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the
gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "screw you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll
have to stand in line for that, too."

Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 12:19 am Post Subject:

A lady is walking down the street to work and see's a parrot in a pet
store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "hey
lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms
past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon
seeing her says, "hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, she was incredibly
ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and
once again it said, "hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so
furious that she stormedinto the store and threatened to sue the store
and have the bird killed.

The store manager appologized profusly and promised the bird wouldn't say it
again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to
her, "hey lady."

She paused and said," yes?"

The bird said, "you know."

Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 12:20 am Post Subject:

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. Greeting
him the Lord says, "You've lived a good life. If there is any way I
can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."
The cat thinks for a minute and says "Well, all my life I lived with a
poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor..." The Lord
stops the cat and says "Say no more!" Just then a wonderful fluffy
pillow appears and the cat contentedly wanders off to find a good
place to nap.

A few days later six mice killed in a tragic farming accident go to
heaven. The Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice
answer: "All of our lives we've been chased. We've had to run from
cats, from tractors, even from that farmer's wife with her broom.
We're tired of running..." "Say no more!" The Lord replies. In a
flash, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful new pair of roller skates,
and they skate happily off to explore the Heavenly landscape.

About a week later The Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him
snoozing away. He gently wakes the cat and asks, "How are things
since you got here?" The cat stretches, yawns, and replies "Oh, it is
wonderful here. I get a lot of great sleep on this pillow, and those
Meals On Wheels you've been sending are the BEST!!!"

Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 12:21 am Post Subject:

15. Cats purr. Dogs drool.
14. Cats rub your leg when they want affection, not when they're horny.
13. Cats use a litter box. Dogs use your leg.
12. In 1996, over 10,000 US deaths were attributed to a dog owner's choking
on saliva during morning wake-up licks.
11. Cats always land on their feet. Dogs just won't let you throw them.
10. Cats let you kick them when you're stressed out.
9. Cats will wait until you've read your morning paper before tearing it to
shreds.
8. Cats look cute sleeping on the t.v. Dogs just crash right in front of
the
screen.
7. Fewer cat owners suffer from 'Flappy Tail' lacerations than dog owners.
6. No one has ever had to "Beware of the Cat".
5. Cats bury their crap. Dogs dig up others.
4. Cats have better things to do than stick their nose in your crotch.
3. Cats lay on the car in the heat. Dogs in heat lay the car.
2. Why do you think they call it, "Dog Breath?"
1. Garfield. Odie. Enough said.

Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 12:22 am Post Subject:

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide
me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me...
They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide
me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I
must be a God!

Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 12:23 am Post Subject:

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After
hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his
front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly
climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a
branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her
mate.

"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."